TALK ABOUT THIS // WEEK 2

Model what it means to be for everybody, including your teen’s friends. Ask if they have friends who are struggling. (Don’t pry for details.) Pray for them with your teen, and then ask if they might want to come over to hang out sometime. Hanging out in your home could be just what a struggling teen needs to experience to feel loved and encouraged. 

REMEMBER THIS:
For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2:10 NIV

DO THIS // MEAL TIME

Summer is a great time for dinner and a late night filled with way too much TV. Find a show you can binge watch together and order pizza from your teen’s favorite place. Let them pick all the toppings. Eat together and bond over whatever strang(er) things your teen likes to watch these days.

HONESTY: A BIG THING THAT'S BUILT IN SMALL WAYS
By Jon Acuff
Restaurants are one of the greatest places to teach your kids honesty. Amusement parks are good, too. A movie theater will work in a pinch as well. How? What do those three things have in common? Age restrictions.
Restaurant menus, amusement parks, and movie theaters are all places that will give you a discount if your child is a certain age. The kid’s menu is always cheaper than the adult menu. A toddler price is usually cheaper than an adult ticket to a theme park, and movies are less expensive for kids, too.
What’s interesting about those restrictions is how easy it is as a parent to be tempted to break them. Kids grow up quickly. One minute, your five-year-old is getting the cheap price at a restaurant and the next he’s six, and you should be paying the full rate. You’d never do this, because you’re a morally upstanding member of your community much like me, but you’d be surprised at how many parents blur the lines on this moment . . .

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REMEMBER THIS
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10 NIV

DO THIS // MORNING TIME
Oh how sweet it is to treat your teen and kick off lazy summer mornings (or just the arrival of the weekend) with a donut run. Get up before your sleepy teen and bring home a dozen donuts. Leave the box on your kitchen table with a note to surprise your teen.

Some days don’t turn out the way you planned.
Some lives take a different course than expected.
I think that’s the hardest part of being the parent of a Junior or Senior. Or even a young adult.
You guide, you direct, you help where needed, but ultimately the choice is up to them.
You may think you have a part in the decision, but it’s up to them . . .
to look both ways in the intersection.
to do that project.
to dream of what they would want to do or be.
to take the SAT.
to make wise choices with their friends.
Ultimately it’s their choice.
Each age stage has its challenge:
The infant and toddler years—and the vigilance and work they require.
The elementary years—when you can breathe a little, and let them enjoy childhood.
The middle school years—when you ride a daily roller coaster of emotions, independence/dependence, and change.
The high school years—when they begin to pull away and establish their own lives.
But then you realize your time is running out.
And you can either react in fear and clutch them close . . .
Or you can begin to let them soar.
Even if they’re not ready to fly.
Even if they’re not ready to soar.
Even if you’re not ready for them to fly.
Even if you’re not ready for them to soar.
It looks differently for different kids, but you let them succeed or fail based on their own choices.
They’ll have to do it eventually. They might as well begin making choices while they are under your roof so you can help them learn from it.
And it will be the hardest thing in the world.
At least it is for me.
I’m a protector. I want to keep those around me safe from any kind of harm.
Letting them make those choices will wrench your heart sometimes.

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WEEK 3:Trusting God can be difficult—for teenagers and adults. During challenging seasons, it can be helpful to think back to moments God has come through for you and your teen. This week, ask your teen if they can remember any times God has come through for them or someone they know. Remind them that those moments are evidence that God can be trusted.

REMEMBER THIS:
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10 NIV

THEIR TIME
Whether it’s when you’ve got friends over for a summer BBQ or you’re on the phone with a friend, let your teen overhear you talking to someone about their accomplishments. Brag about their mad baseball skills, how great they are at parallel parking, or how they help out around the house. It’ll mean more to your teen than you think!

BED TIMELet your teen know you’re thinking about them before they head to bed. Leave something fun on their bed for them to find before they head to bed—a new novel for fun summer reading, movie tickets to catch a summer blockbuster with friends, or a new pair of summer pjs. Even something small can mean something big to
your teen.

So I’ve started this blog post like 14 different ways (not exaggerating). It just might be the most challenging one yet. Once you know what it’s about maybe you’ll understand why.
I’ve been told there are 936 weeks in the life of a child from birth to 18. We have a visual for those weeks here at  Parent Cue in the form of a jar filled with 936 marbles. The idea is that when you count the weeks you have left with a kid, you stand a better chance of making your weeks count.  As you take one marble out of the jar each week, the marbles begin going down, you see what you have left… you get the idea.
I have 3 kids and the jar of my first-born has 4 marbles in it.
One. Two. Three. Four.
Four marbles.
A cap and gown.
A prom tux.
Graduation announcements . . .
All reminders that there’s not much time left before the infant that entered my home 18 years ago will soon be leaving as a man.

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TALK ABOUT THIS // WEEK 2
Think back to the things you did as a teenager that you didn’t want your parents to find out about. Share a couple of those moments with your teen, so they know that mistakes (yours and theirs) don’t define the future. The next time your teen shares one of their mistakes with you, start your response with, “Thanks for telling me that.”

REMEMBER THIS:
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10 NIV

DO THIS // MEAL TIME
During a meal this week, ask your teen what happened in their day that is worth celebrating. Don’t worry if they can’t think of anything. You can always ask them again in a few days. Sometimes it’s easier to focus on the negative. Keep creating space to share what’s going well. It’s a worthwhile practice that will help your teen develop a sense of gratitude!

Your cute innocent little children have deceived you. They are not who they appear to be! If you haven’t already caught them in a lie, chances are you will. And more than once—as toddlers, as young children, and as teenagers.
At first you might want to try to suppress laughter as you watch them unknowingly betray themselves.

• They’ll tell you they didn’t eat the chocolate cake that is smeared all over their face.

• They’ll try to persuade you they brushed their teeth, but not let you smell their breath.

• They’ll say they found that trinket in the parking lot, even though you saw them eyeing it in the store.

Eventually petty lies turn into big whoppers and you may one day be heartbroken to realize your teenager is living a double life.
But lying is a common childhood offense, much more so than you might guess, and they start testing their skills at a very young age.
One study found that some four-year-olds lied once every two hours and some six-year-olds lied once every 90 minutes. The study also found that 96% of all kids lie. (I bet the other 4% were lying about it.) Lying is actually a sign of cognitive development. In another survey, 80% of high school students admitted to lying to their parents about something “significant” in the past year.
Once they learn to lie, does it even make logical sense for our children to tell the truth when it might . . .
cost them something they really want,
affect their grade,
make them seem boring,
or get them punished?
Kids will inevitably want to choose the easier route and lie their way to safety, just as we are often tempted to do. They will lie to get what they want, but they keep lying because they want to stay in our good graces, and to avoid punishment.
Mostly they lie to protect a relationship. If only they could understand that the lie itself is even more devastating to the very relationship they were trying to protect.  (If only we understood that too!)
Here’s the bottom line: Your child lies to you. All the time. Don’t let their innocence fool you. They’re still trying to figure things out. They make stupid mistakes and you should expect them to tell crazy lies too.

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WEEK 1:
High schoolers change a lot—and frequently. Maybe your teen has discovered a few new interests. Maybe they’ve recently quit playing a sport or instrument they once loved. They’ve also probably made some new friends you’ve never met and ended a few friendships they’ve had since elementary school. Ask your teen what’s changed the most since last year.

REMEMBER THIS:
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10 NIV

DO THIS // MORNING TIME
This weekend, get up before your teen and prepare them a warm breakfast. This is totally doable because, well, teens love to sleep. Unless they have an early morning practice (insert yawn here), chances are you’re up before they are. Nothing gets a teen out of their room faster than the smell of bacon.

Yes, it really was a bad idea to give your six-year-old access to the finger paints while you did the laundry. Or to let your fourteen-year-old son stay overnight at his friend’s place without triple checking to make sure his parents were home.
And maybe it wasn’t all that wise when you had that fight heated conversation in the kitchen when the kids were watching cartoons.
We all have regrets.
But the flip side is also true.
We all have things we’ll never regret doing as a parent. And if you think about doing things you’ll never regret, you can actually do them more often.
Here are 5 things I think you’ll never regret as a parent:
1 – TAKING FAMILY VACATIONSIt can be so hard to find both time and money to get away, but it’s been one of the best things we’ve done as a family over the years.
While staycations can be decent, a vacation moves everyone out of their native environment. There’s no grass to cut, no clutter to clean up every three hours, no video games to play for hours and hours and hours, or friends who want you to come over (again). All of you move into new experiences and new environments together. 
Even if you don’t have a ton of money, borrow someone’s house for the weekend (we’ve done that), and change up the scenery.  Moments away will become some of your kids’ fondest memories—and yours.
2 – PUTTING EACH OTHER BEFORE THE KIDSYou’ve probably heard it as much as I have: One of the greatest gifts any parent can give a child is a healthy marriage.
It’s as important for your child to know you love each other as it is for your child to know you love them.
So take a date night. Hire and sitter or enlist the grandparents and go on a weekend away. Your friends will be envious (we haven’t been away together without the kids in seven years!!!), and you’ll have so much fun you’ll think you’re dating again.
Here’s something else I’ve discovered. Eventually the kids move out (really…no lies!), and all you have left is each other. It works way better when you’ve built up your relationship to the point where you actually still like each other. :) 
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TALK ABOUT THIS:
​WEEK 3:
Whether it was an illness, a personal failure, or a broken relationship, we’ve all faced situations that felt hopeless. But even in the darkest moments, God promises us hope. Talk to your student about a time you felt hopeless. Maybe you prayed for something to happen, and it didn’t. How did God encourage you? How did you maintain hope? Ask them what they’re feeling hopeless about right now.

REMEMBER THIS:
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
 Philippians 4:6 NLT

THEIR TIME
What’s one thing you can take off your student’s plate right now? It could be as simple as making their bed for them a few times or buying them a planner and writing in important due dates, appointments, or practice/club times. Think of something—big or small—and make it happen without telling them until it’s done.

BED TIME
Use a dry-erase marker to write notes to your student that they can read before bed at night. That may mean using a bathroom or bedroom mirror. As cheesy as it may sound or feel, reminding them, “You’ve got this. Sleep well!” or, “Rest easy knowing I’m here for you!” will make them smile—even if they don’t share that smile with you.

I’m not going to pretend that this parenting thing is easy.
That if you do all the right things, everything works out great.
Because people don’t work that way.
Relationships don’t work that way.
If you combine A+B, you don’t always get C.
That’s the way algebra works, not parenting.
Sometimes parenting means walking through some smelly, ugly stuff.
Sometimes you lie awake in bed, pleading with God to protect, to change, to stir the heart of your kid.
Sometimes you grieve for the child you once knew.
Or the relationship you once shared.
Because as much as we talk about fighting for the heart, and about pursuing a relationship with your kid, sometimes that relationship is one-sided.
You’re going to give and get nothing in return.
You’re going to love and not receive love back.
You’re going to hurt.
For some, it last for a season. a result of hormones and uncertainty.
For others, it last years.
But you fight for.
Not with.
Not with your child.
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TALK ABOUT THIS // WEEK 2:

In our social-media-focused era, it’s never been easier to stress out and feel like you don’t measure up. One post, photo, or comment can make us—both students and adults—feel like our lives aren’t as good as others’ lives. Challenge yourself and your teen to take a week off from all social media apps. When it’s over, grab a meal together and talk about your experiences.

REMEMBER THIS:
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
 Philippians 4:6 NLT

DO THIS // MEAL TIME
Choose a meal in the next few weeks to specifically encourage your student. Make something they like (or take them to their favorite restaurant) and ask your family to come to the table ready to share a few things they love or appreciate about your teenager. Have more than one kid? Spread the love by planning a breakfast or weekend lunch for them!

Because when you find yourself the villain in the story you have written
It’s plain to see
That sometimes the best intentions are in need of redemption
Would you agree?
– Death Cab for Cutie, “You Are a Tourist”
So Death Cab for Cutie is a band –just to be clear–one that’s on my playlist a lot these days. As that song played through my earbuds, it hit me that it describes how I sometimes feel about my parenting.
No new parent begins by saying “I hope I mess up my child’s life.” Who ever sets out to be the villain in the story? But at one point or another, we end up there, don’t we?
You leave for vacation but are yelling at the kids before you’re even out of town.
You’re at home most nights, but you’re far too tired to engage.
Your kids repeated patterns of behavior drive you crazy, and you end up resenting them.
Your date night to nurture your marriage starts with an argument and ends with a meltdown
You make empty threats to your kids that would make you wince if you heard other parents make them. But you are all out of tricks, so you threaten anyway.
And sometimes the temptation is to think that our failures should disqualify us as a parent. At least as a good parent. It must certainly disqualify us from being a “godly” parent.
But when you think that, you would be wrong.
What if that actually puts you in line with a great list of characters God used in significant ways?  What if that actually qualifies you?

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TALK ABOUT THIS // WEEK 1:
Your teenager is juggling a lot: school, friends, dating, social media, sports, clubs, family, and maybe even a part-time job. As parents, it can be hard to keep all of this in mind sometimes—especially when our own stresses feel so overwhelming. This week, instead of asking how their day was, ask what they’ve been worried or thinking a lot about. Resist offering advice unless they ask for it.

REMEMBER THIS:
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
 Philippians 4:6 NLT

 MORNING TIME
Create a “share your cares” text thread for your family. A couple of mornings each week, send a message asking your family what they’re worried or stressed about. Sometimes just sharing what’s on our mind helps alleviate anxiety. Plus, you can encourage each other specifically throughout the day.

“Mom, Dad, there’s something I need to tell you . . .”
When it comes to parenting, very few phrases strike terror at the heart of a parent. Its right up there with the question, “Are you sitting down?”
Both phrases typically follow not-so-good news and imply that the receiver of the news should be immediately prepared for the unexpected. Finding out something that you did not expect from your kids can be anxiety provoking and yes, could even trigger a physiological response such as fainting or difficulty catching one’s breath—hence the importance of having a seat close by.
While rewarding, the arena of pre-teen and teen parenting is fraught with difficult and sometimes disappointing situations. Children get injured, suffer minor illnesses, get heart broken, or even worse, engage in potentially addictive or sexual behaviors that could adversely impact their future.
The number one job of a parent is to protect. But the fact remains that you cannot protect your child from everything. In today’s fast-paced world, it is likely that your child will be faced with increased pressures and even more challenging situations than we adults could ever have imagined being a part of when we were at that age.
No parent was born knowing exactly how to respond to such situations. The best shield is being as prepared as you can possibly be. Consider this response strategy:

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PARENT TOOL // CRISIS GUIDE

With teenagers, the pressure seems to increase as their responsibility does. The potential for them to experience a crisis-- whether from bad decisions, rejection or trauma-- also increases. Sometimes it's easy to want to jump in and fix things, but supporting their efforts to handle their crisis helps them more.

Be aware of the signs that your teen is experiencing a crisis and don't take them lightly. Try to understand more than you feel like you know. See them for the adults they are becoming, be careful to respond, and offer more help if they need it.

We've attached the following Crisis Guides for parents of middle schoolers and high schoolers. We hope that you check them out and come alongside your kid(s) as they walk "through the darkness."

Have your kids ever hurt your feelings? I don’t mean their critique of your clothes, cooking, or stupid jokes. I mean the thing they say that just cuts to the quick.
A couple of weeks ago, one of my boys said something and it hurt so much, it felt like the wind was knocked out of me. He’s young enough where I don’t think the words were said with the intention to hurt, and he was oblivious to how hurtful his words were. But I am not naïve. I know a day will come when my boys will know the power of their words. And then they’ll use those words to cause pain on purpose.
Family is messy. At this stage, most messes come in the form of food under the kitchen table, diapers in a full diaper genie, and endless leaves, rocks, and flowers filling my counters. But at some point, I know the messiness will come in the form of verbal shrapnel. I know the messiness will be less literal and more figurative. (Or maybe with two teenage boys by that time, it’ll be both.)
And I knew from a couple of weeks ago, when the words from one of my kids hit me like they did, that I had better figure out what I was going to do when those moments come.

At the time, I shut down. I got him ready for bed and I read him books. I was present physically, but emotionally distant. But when it was time to pray, to sing, and close up the night, I realized something had to give. He may not have known I was holding back, but I did. And I decided then and there to do what felt like the exact opposite of what I wanted to do.
​
I decided to move close. To not let careless words create a rift. To not let hurt feelings dictate my behavior towards him. To move towards the one I felt inclined to back away from.
I decided to be a peacemaker. 
​
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Shepherding the hearts of our kids is one of those daily behaviors that does more to refine and challenge me than anything else in my life. In my interactions with my kids, God reveals more to me about my own humanity than I care to know. Particularly in disciplinary situations.
One thing I’ve learned about kids is that I cannot control their actions. There are times when I try. There are times I guide, nudge, remind, even harass… yet, in the end, they decide what action they will take. Not me.
I don’t know about you, but that really gets under my skin. It’s something I have to actively submit to the Father asking Him for guidance and patience. Recently I was reminded of these words in Ephesians 4:29:
“Don’t say anything that would hurt [another person]. Instead, speak only what is good so that you can give help wherever it is needed. That way, what you say will help those who hear you.” (GWT)
It’s a timely reminder for me that my role as mom is to Fight for the Heart of my kids, to create a culture of unconditional love in my home that fuels their emotional and moral health. Approaching discipline in a way that is helpful takes practice, planning and patience.

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